Our Spy On The Upper East Side: The So-Called Life Of A Former CEO

Let’s role play.  I’ll be former Bear Stearns CEO Jimmy Cayne and you be the Atlantic Golf Club -- only I don’t need you to do anything but read...between the lines.

"Hi, it’s Jimmy Cayne. I’ve been trying to confirm my usual tee time, around 9:30 just after Dick Fuld and before Lloyd Blankfein. I’ve been leaving messages, but no one is getting back to me….What do you mean they’ve rescheduled their tee times? We’ve always played at the same time…Now you’re telling me no one ever got my message and you’ve given my spot away?"

This may be an apocryphal conversation and one that I loved dreaming up, but trust me, it’s one that Jimmy Cayne and every big time axed CEO better get used to hearing. Welcome to the world where everyone knows your name but no one wants to take your call anymore.

And, though this may not be reality TV, your life is certainly being lived out in front of a huge audience, larger even than when only Wall Street knew your name, and the viewers are definitely not rooting for you. Losing people’s money just doesn’t make you too popular, does it?

In this town, you’re only as good as your title, but the upside is that you’re in good company. You and guys like former Wachovia CEO Ken Thompson might form a 12-step recovery support group  to deal with this new phenomenon of, “Tell him I’m just running out the door,” or “I’m in the shower,” responses.

When I was a young hot shot editor at Harper’s Bazaar covering Formula One races in Monte Carlo and dating all the personalities I interviewed, the invitations piled up…until I got fired.  Okay, so I was 24 and could easily move to Vogue, but what I couldn’t get back was the attention on me, me, me. For heaven’s sake Diane Arbus even photographed me next to a Noguchi sculpture...

I hadn’t done anything wrong, but our magazine had no advertising and my covering car races and cute authors wasn’t a big help in bringing in the ads. Nonetheless, it was my first encounter with the fragility of power in New York and it was bleak.

Vogue a lateral move paywise -- I earned $105 a week there, too. But, at Vogue I became an assistant to two very difficult editors and found I was fetching coffee in the days when that was part of an assistant’s job description. I was humiliated and lasted about three months, leaving only a note in my typewriter.
 
One of the toughest issues we face in this city is realizing we are our resumes – we are only as good as our titles even if our bank accounts are still full of cashed out stock options. Without the title on the door and the buzz, you’re just another rich New Yorker wearing Ralph Lauren cashmere cable knits tied around the neck. (A style I truly hate on men, by the way.)

You see, some of us have never bothered to carve out really well rounded lives with back up plans and serious hobbies or alternative lifestyles and passions. (I was married to someone who would retreat into woodworking when things got tough which is why we had a home full of wooden bowls). Yes, Cayne can now play a lot of bridge but is it still as much fun when that’s all there is? Exactly what does the day look like once he’s finished getting his teeth cleaned and vision checked? Sure a secretary comes to the house every day, but he’s probably still in pajamas when she arrives.

And, remember that embroidered pillow every CEO wife has -- “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch” -- right on her bedroom chaise? She wasn’t kidding. What the heck is she going to do now that he’s home eating Bubble Bee tuna sandwiches in front of Dr. Phil instead of sitting in the Grill Room at the Four Seasons? Do not count on endless sympathy because she still has to put on a game face for your friends – which could mean more appointments for Botox and Restylene to freeze the smile into place.
 
And, do you even know who your real friends are anymore?

Imagine the dinner parties where you once sat next to the host. Now, try finding your place card half way down the block seated between the hostess’s Pilates instructor and someone from the cast of The Real Housewives of New York City (GE). And, sad to say, no one’s going to be hanging on your words anymore. Do I really care what you think of the markets now that you’ve torpedoed a financial empire?

I don’t mean to pick on JC in particular -- former Merrill Lynch head Stan O’Neal is another choice -- and they’re not the only ones getting kicked to the curb these days. But all will suffer the same fate if they don’t redeem themselves by getting an even bigger job. Think former Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli who is now chairman and CEO of Chrysler. You go guy!

On a truly serious note, if you have far to fall, even with a golden parachute in place, it really hurts. People will use those wonderful platitudes -- “Money isn’t everything” and “You have your health” -- but let’s face it, there’s one thing you hadn’t counted on and that’s having to…

Fly commercial. Now that really hurts!