What Obama's Pastor Drama Can Teach You

After months of tension, Barack Obama is essentially parting ways with his former pastor. On April 29, the Democratic presidential candidate publicly denounced Rev. Jeremiah Wright, after Wright defended his previous controversial statements on race relations in America, among other issues.

Rev. Wright had spoken at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C., on April 28th and according to the Christian Science Monitor, he also defended his belief that the government was capable of creating HIV/AIDS to inflict upon people of color. In a press conference the following day, Obama swiftly rebuked his former pastor. “His comments were not only divisive and destructive, but they end up giving comfort to those that prey on hate," Obama said, according to an ABC News (DIS) report. He also announced that their relationship had irrevocably changed as a result of Wright’s comments.

The stance was a sharp turn from his March 18 speech, in which Obama said of his pastor: “I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown him than I can my white grandmother.” But now, Obama effectively disowned the man who officiated at Obama’s marriage and baptized his two daughters.

Even with cause, parting from a longtime friend, mentor, or spiritual leader is difficult. However, there are ways to navigate the end of these kinds of relationships with grace.

Is your social or professional network in flux? Experts tell MainStreet that people should realize that not all friendships last forever.

A fractured friendship may be painful but it shouldn’t necessarily be surprising. According to sociologist and friendship coach, Dr. Jan Yager, it happens all the time. Yager has researched friendship for 25 years. “Shared values are the best predictor of longevity in a friendship,” Yager writes in an email. “When there is a disparity in values, the friendship may fade or dramatically end.

“If a friendship has become toxic, distancing oneself from that friend before irreparable damage is done—to your self-esteem and psyche, to your relationships, or even to your career—may be necessary even if it painful and emotionally devastating.”

Alexandra Levit, a career expert on twentysomethings and author of How’d You Score That Gig?, agrees. “A good time to part with your mentor is when you feel the interactions between the two of you are interpersonally destructive, and/or if you are no longer getting anything beneficial out of the relationship,” writes Levit, in an email.

So, what is the best way to pull the plug? Start the low-tech way. Out of respect for your friend or mentor, it’s best to part ways in person. “Voicemail gives the impression of cowardice, and tone in e-mail can be too easily misconstrued,” says Levit. “You can save face by telling your mentor that you really appreciate the time he or she has given to you, and that now that you're on your way career-wise, you'd like to free him or her up to help someone else."

Unfortunately for Obama, the entire American populace knows about his and Rev. Wright’s strained relationship. But, if you’re afforded the luxury of more discretion, you should take advantage of it. Levit suggests you do not “explain it at all, unless you're asked. And, if you are [asked], don't refer to it as a split. As far as you and everyone else are concerned, you're still in good standing with your mentor.”

Furthermore, you, like Obama, shouldn’t burn any bridges, warns Levit. If you find yourself in a friendship breakup, she advises, “Emphasize that you would like to keep in touch so that you part on a good note. You never know when you might need this person again.”

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